I used to be so reactive and angry all the time.
I remember standing in the kitchen doing the dishes, imaging what my boyfriend was going to remark when he walked through the door. He would probably make some snide comment about me ‘finally’ doing the dishes.
I would play out the scene in my head. How I would reply, how he would react, how I would respond, and how we would have a row. We’d end up saying horrible things to each other that we didn’t really mean deep inside. I created this drama in my head even before he came home! So once I heard the key in the door, I was already set with my sword at the ready.
I remember similar situations with my family and with my friends.
Even before we spoke, I was ready for a fight with them too.
Feeling so reactive, so angry all the time- it was exhausting!
I went over conversations in my head all the time. The main storyline was that ‘people were out to get me!’ I felt like I had to continually justify myself and defend myself. I was always on guard.
I was so wrapped up in this game, in this story, that I didn’t realise how much stress it was causing me! How much anxiety, how much physical pain and tension were coursing through my body. It was my biggest weakness, and I was causing most of it myself.
By expecting fights and arguments, I created fights and arguments.
By expecting that people would hurt me and mistreat me, I behaved in ways that would make people damage me and harm me.
I wanted to change; for me, that meant booking a reiki session.
I had received Reiki before, it had always felt relaxing and peaceful, but this time was different.
I cried throughout most of the session.
It was both tears of sorrow and tears of relief.
For the first time in years, I was able to fully relax. Physically and mentally.
It was a couple of months after my partner and I had split up. Though I felt clear about the split and clearly felt it was the right thing to do, I don’t think I had fully processed it yet. I had kept busy and kept moving.
During this Reiki session, I slowed down and allowed myself to release all the tension I had been holding, all the stress. I let a bit of love and light enter my heart. It felt both healing and beautiful, and also somewhat heart-breaking because I realised that I had been closing myself off from joy and love for a long time.
After this session, I became a Reiki practitioner myself. Initially just for my own benefit, but soon started using it in my coaching practice. My personal exploration of Reiki opened a whole new space in my life; it opened up my heart, and I began to see how I had been carrying this huge sword around with me to protect myself. Ready to lash out and wound anyone who came too close and who might be trying to hurt me.
Reiki helped me realise two things; The sword was causing more harm than good and, I didn’t really need protection!
I decided to lay down my sword. I decided that instead of acting from a place of fear and hurt, I wanted to act from a place of love and compassion.
I started this journey by letting go of past hurts and forgiving others…All of them… My ex-partners, my parents, my family, my friends, everybody! I forgave them for all they had said and done, and for all they hadn’t said and done.
The more I forgave, the freer I became, and the happier I became. I became lighter, and life seemed to gain an effortless flow.
My relationships started changing because instead of expecting pain and hurt, I assumed that people in my life were there to support me, and so I met them with compassion, instead of resentment. Love, instead of hate. I assumed that they meant well, and so I took things less personal. I also met them in the present, instead of holding on to old grudges.
Let me just say here that I’m not perfect and that this is an ongoing journey! Of course, I still get angry, I still get upset and hurt – and I will probably continue to do that for the rest of my life! However, by deciding to not hold on to things the way I did before, I’ve allowed myself to forgive and let things go.
And that has changed my life. And my relationships. And my business.
Even more laborious and more rewarding than forgiving others was forgiving myself.
I forgave myself for how badly I treated myself for staying in bad situations for too long and for making ‘mistakes.’ I begged myself for forgiveness for having shut myself off for so long and seemingly wasted so much time!
At first, it was really hard, cos I was not happy to just let myself off the hook like that- No way! I was stubborn, cos I was hurt, and I didn’t trust myself at all to surrender to my own truth.
But slowly, with time, I started to see that yes, I had done some pretty crazy things, but I had also done amazing things. And I had changed a lot too! I was actually quite proud of that.
I started to see a new side of myself, my authentic self, through the reiki practice. And I kinda feel in love with that person! Because she was kind and beautiful and caring and lovely! She was this bright, glorious person, and I thought – I want to be like her!!
It took me a while longer before I truly started embracing her and realised that this was the real me! That I, at my core, was this beautiful, loving, kind person. Who I wanted to be was and is me!
And by embracing that, everything changed. Life became lighter, smoother, more peaceful, and more fun. My relationships changed on a deep level, and the relationship with myself changed too, and I started trusting myself more, which meant that I could start showing up in my life and in my business in ways that felt powerful and good to me!
And that’s how I started creating the success that mattered to me.
By laying down my sword and embracing my authentic self.