– but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was staying with some good friends, and we’d had some deep, inspiring conversations about life, work, and money. As I went to bed and laid my head on the pillow, it hit me.
All the things we spoke about were great, but the reality was- I had very little money in my bank account, no real plan for my business (at least that’s what it felt like at the time) and I had just quit a stable, well-paying job to work for myself full-time.
My heart started pounding furiously. I felt my stomach drop and my lungs struggling to fill with air. My thoughts were racing. What an absolute idiot I had been! Quitting my job like that before I started making money!? And I had boldly been telling everybody that I had plenty of time to make money, but time was running out…Money was running out.
Even though I felt that way, I had taken time off to travel and visit friends and family instead of working. What the heck?? But I felt tired, and I needed time away from work.
I felt it essential to take time to reconnect with myself and my intuition. I had been reflecting on work and felt more confident about starting to sign up clients. But when I got back home, I felt stuck. And very little happened.
In a moment of madness, I went online on my phone and started looking up part-time jobs that I could apply for. At 2 am!
My mind told me to stop, this was a crazy thing to do, and I put down my phone.
A heart-clenching fear came over me…How absolutely embarrassing that I might have to go back and get a ‘real’ job after all this! How absolutely heartbreaking that I would have to give up my dream of working for myself- for a second time!
I was calling myself all sorts of awful names, blaming myself for having done nothing and being so stupid and reckless.
It felt like I had been repeating the same old silly mistakes that I had made before! Would I ever learn? Would I ever get this, right?
Would I ever get to live out my purpose of working for myself and helping others live out their purpose too?
There…I said it. I had hit my greatest fear, not being able to live out my purpose.
When that thought entered my head, I panicked for real this time, if that wasn’t already enough. A cold dread came over me; I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding so hard that I legit thought I was going to give myself a heart attack and die right there.
I tried to breathe deeply. I tried to use EFT to get myself to calm the F*$k down because there was still a part of me that was conscious enough to know that this was ‘just’ a very severe panic attack.
Around 3 am, I finally had a moment of clarity. I grabbed my journal and started writing. Initially, it was a list of things I could do to bring in some money. Then I wrote down the names of people to talk to for emotional support; my parents, my best friends, my coach. And then my focus started to shift again. I started working through my own 6 step process that I use with clients and myself to reclaim focus and grounding.
First, I started clearing out in my physical space. I decided to let go of certain distractions and mental clutter. Then I started forgiving myself for all the horrible things I had called myself and all my ‘so-called’ mistakes. Through that, I was finally able to give myself a compassionate hug and got a sense that all was going to be ok.
I got clear on what it was I really wanted to do with my business; it just clicked into place, and I realised that it wasn’t at all new – it was a vision I had had for a long time. I wrote down all the limiting beliefs and doubts that came up around this. I used EFT to start turning them into positive beliefs, then decided to recommit to this vision, to my purpose, to myself, by taking action (first thing the following morning!) – By fully embracing my authentic self.
For now, (it was now 4 am!) I simply needed to practise good self-care, so I put on some relaxing music, gave myself some Reiki, and finally drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, I realised what was really happening; it was time for me to level up in my life and in my business. It was time for me to fully commit to my purpose and to myself and step into my own power. And, in doing that, everything started clicking into place.
I had been focusing on external advice, methods, and definitions of success, but what I needed was to come back to my own definition of success. Once I reconnected with my authentic self, I saw that I already knew what I wanted to do and what I needed to do. I realised I already had everything I needed to do it, and once again that I was enough.
This was such a huge relief!
Though I still felt shaky and vulnerable over the next couple of weeks, I felt more focused and grounded than I had in a long time! I didn’t let myself get distracted or carried away because I continued to work through my 6 step process. Over and over again. Because life is not something we figure out once, and then have sorted for good! Life happens in cycles, and so I went through the process of clearing out all that no longer served me and recommitting to myself and my purpose. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.
With every cycle, I got more energetic, and I saw my authentic self more clearly. Though I also got hit by some of the old doubt and fear! Every time I also got better at recognising it for what it was, part of the process and a chance for me to up-level once again.
Levelling up doesn’t always have to include a full-on panic attack! Sometimes it can feel very intense because we start doubting absolutely everything that we have done and are doing! It’s merely part of the process. It’s part of us realising that it’s time to step up, reconnect and recommit. And once we understand that, it doesn’t actually have to be so hard!
Once we recommit to ourselves and our purpose – it becomes effortless!
This is the work that I am the most passionate about, and I would love to support you as you level up and fully embrace the next level of your purpose and authentic self. I’m here to meet you where you are with nothing but love and respect.