I have been writing a lot about doubt and self-sabotage in the last few days. Truth be told, it’s because I have felt doubt and have self-sabotaged certain things that I am working on at the moment. And so, in writing about it, I have been supporting myself through it and hopefully you, too 😊
That’s what writing is for me. It’s therapeutic, it’s healing, it’s supportive, it’s transformative. I never full plan out what to write in these blog posts. I just have an initial idea or perhaps a title, and then I write. So sometimes I write a lot (most of the time haha!), and other times less. More often than not, the writing takes a totally different turn than I had expected, but that’s what I love about it. This is me in free flow. Of course I sometimes pause to think where I am going next, but I don’t plan too far ahead.
The ideas and titles usually come to me while I do my meditation and give myself Reiki. That helps me to tune in to where I am right now, today, here and now, and from there comes an idea, a title, a topic that I feel drawn to write about. Today’s title, ‘Becoming yourself sometimes feels like falling apart’ is very much a reflection of where I am at the moment. And it feels a bit vulnerable to share that. But that is what I am going to do. Part of me also thought that if potential clients saw this phrase, then they would probably think “then I’m not sure I want to become myself!” – and I totally get that initial reaction! Haha! However, hear me out…
I have changed so much this year. So much has changed for me. I am still changing, and yes, that can feel like falling apart. I am changing and moving closer to becoming who I really am, who I am meant to be, and it kinda feels like I first need to unravel, fall apart, in order to be fully assembled into this being. I have felt the change physically. Which means that in the last week I have felt nauseous, had headaches, felt queasy and physically unwell and tired. Not all the time, I should add! But on and off! This might sound extreme but, when you think about it, it’s not so weird. Because I have been shifting some major things internally. I have released old negative beliefs that I have held onto all my life, some from previous lives! I have allowed myself to fall freely into trusting the Universe and myself, and slowly let go of all this controlling and planning, that I used to swear by. I have had some heart-opening conversations where I had to be fully vulnerable and not know where the conversation was going to go. All this ‘work’ is mostly happening inside of me, and so I have felt it strongly and intensely.
And though many things still feels very much up in the air, I cannot remember a time in my life where I have ever felt happier, more grateful, more alive, more confident, more me, than in the last few weeks.
I feel that something really deep inside of me has changed and it has given me a deeper confidence, a deeper sense of belonging, and a deeper trust than I have ever felt before. I know, beyond doubt, that I am enough. I know, beyond doubt, that I am creating the life that I want. I know, beyond doubt, that everything that I dream of is coming true. It feels a bit scary writing all that, because there is still a part of me that fears judgement from others around this. But their judgement can’t really hurt me anymore. It’s just remnants of an old fear and belief still lingering in the air, but it will clear off soon enough.
I am allowing myself to fall apart, unravel, so that I can fully become who I am.
It feels liberating. It feels exciting! And, sometimes, a little bit scary, but I know I am moving in the right direction.